I Meant Something Else

Here are a few things people could not say before but can now because in a recent football game a new precedent was set.

  • I threw a straight-to-the-ground backwards pass which became a lateral which became a fumble, but I meant to spike the ball to stop the play so you have to give it to me.
  • I meant to get back to my over-parked car before the meter ran out, so you must not give me a ticket.
  • I meant to keep my grocery bill under the amount in my wallet and even though it’s three times that, you have to give all the groceries to me.
  • I meant to touch those women and sniff their hair. What can I say?
  • I meant to avoid catching Covid-19, so these symptoms don’t count.
  • I actually DID have sex with that woman in the Oval Office. I just didn’t mean for anyone to find out, so leave me alone.
  • I meant to stab him seventy-two times without killing him…. Okay, I DID mean to kill him, but I did not mean to get caught, so you have to let me go.
  • I meant for him to hang himself in a guarded cell without tying his own knot, so that worked out pretty well.
  • I meant to get paid to burn and loot without committing to anything other than gratuitous violence. That is all.
  • I meant for this to be the greatest literary achievement in all of history. Where is my Pulitzer Prize? -AB-

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